


You Do Weird Shit When You're in Love

by Darksknight



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, but nothing like super explicit, humor fic, like yes it's rated M but if you're looking for smut this is not the place to find it this once, public sex i guess, what do I mean I guess like that's pretty much the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:36:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8249345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darksknight/pseuds/Darksknight
Summary: Tony calls it a fluke the fist time he happens upon Steve and Bucky in a rather inappropriate position. The second time, he's got bad luck. After that he has no other option than to admit that Barnes is a kinky freak who can get Steve to go along with anything, and that the two of them really need a come to Jesus.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ronithemacaroni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ronithemacaroni/gifts).



> This is honestly one of the weirdest things I've ever written, but the request/prompt was just too wonderful to ignore. If you're out there, parents o' mine, and you're finally looking into why the hell AO3 is so frequent in my internet history... Can a girl get a critique? I know you read smut, mother, fuck off.
> 
> For Ronithemacaroni: “Can we have the Avengers secretly meeting up and gossiping like school girls after each of them on separated occasion walked in on Steve and Bucky in more and more risqué situation in semipublic places? (Then someone is elected to talk to them about either keeping it in their pants or in the bedroom)”
> 
> Stretched the prompt a little but the general gist of things is still there. 
> 
>  
> 
> (Work is currently unedited.)

 

The problem with new, explosive romance built upon years of love, trust, and longing is- well, it’s everything. Just everything. The whole thing is one big problem and Tony has no fucking idea what to do about it. He gets that Steve and Bucky were separated for years, thought that the other was dead, and then there’s the whole issue with mind control and torture…

But come on.

It’s not like they don’t have a room. A floor, even- hey, he’s a considerate guy! If you’ve gotta have sex some place more interesting than the bedroom, Tony understands, but he gave them a lot of fucking places to go at it. They waited seventy plus years- what’s the harm in waiting for the two fucking seconds it would take for them to get in an elevator and head up to their level? 

Yeah, fine, Tony’s had sex in… a lot of places he probably should not have had sex (the pantry in a kitchen at a high-class restaurant comes to mind) but for the love of God he’d been making the best of a situation going out of control where he was. If he’d been in his damned tower, in his damned kitchen-

Well okay he’d probably still have had sex there but it’s _his fucking tower_ , okay? 

Bucky and Steve have no excuses. 

“I’ll just.” He’s not easy to embarrass. He’s Tony fucking Stark. He patented sexually themed embarrassment back in college. But this is Steve Rogers with an ass full of dick we’re talking about- Steve Rogers, who is the poster card for everything good, virgin, and pure. Steve Rogers, who was so pure and good he chastised them on their _language_ of all things. Steve Rogers. Who he’d thought would blush at a kiss on the cheek. “Um.”

Seeing Steve like this? It’s… a lot to take in. Pun sort of intended, because, wow, um, Steve is taking a lot in himself. Jesus. 

Steve’s bent over Tony’s work desk, hands making dents in the metal of the table where he’d holding on for dear life. He’s completely naked, which is a fucking testament to the fact that they had time to get up to their floor, because if they had time to take off Steve’s shoes they had time to make it to the elevator. Beyond that, he’s got three metal fingers in his mouth and a face so red he could be compared to a certain Nazi villain he’d taken down. 

And then there’s Barnes; fully dressed, pants opened up in a hurry, hair a fucking mess, who stares Tony down like he’s doing nothing more than making breakfast. _There’s a lot of sausage in those biscuits and gravy, Barnes,_ he would say.

“Yeah. I’ll just be, um,” he reaches out blindly and fumbles for the tablet he’d come back for. He secures it before pointing over his shoulder. “I’ll just... go. Sanitize my work bench when you’re done.”

He backs out of the lab and closes the door. 

He half expects for them to come racing out after him, frantically re-dressing as they spout excuses. Instead he hears the steady thud-thud-thud of the work bench beginning to ram into the wall again and a loud exclamation of, “Bucky!”

Well okay then. 

One time. He can let it slide in order to keep their secret. Just this one time.

 

-

 

It’s not one time. 

“Oh- for fuck’s sake, are you serious?!” 

Not-actually-vanilla Steve has definitely-not-vanilla Barnes spread out on the kitchen island where a half-eaten sandwich lays abandoned. What was it about a fucking turkey and provolone sub that was so goddamn arousing it called for an impromptu sexscapade in the fucking kitchen of all places? 

He’d given them their one chance. 

Steve meets his eyes and goes eight shades redder. “T-Tony.” He chokes.

Barnes meets his eyes, grins, and then lets out a wanton moan. Jesus. 

“The kitchen, Cap? Really?” Not that he can judge, except yes he fucking can this is his tower and this is, technically, his kitchen. “You couldn’t keep it in your pants long enough to walk to the fucking elevator?”

“Elevator sex.” Barnes says. “Now there’s an idea.”

Ignoring that. “People eat in here- scratch that, who fucking cares that people eat in here, _I_ eat in here!” he gestures madly at nothing in particular. “You’re fucking two inches away from a sandwich! That should give you a fucking second of doubt!” 

“Gave him at least three seconds of doubt.” Barnes helpfully butts in, like he doesn’t have a cock in his ass. What the fuck. What the fuck!? “One for each inch. Then he gave me eight seconds-“

“Shh-shh-shh.” Tony waves his hands again. “No, Frosty, this is my time to rant and you will save your fucking puns for when I don’t have to talk to you when you’ve Captain fucking America in your ass.” 

Barnes shrugs like it’s a reasonable demand. Tony’s glad he at least has _some_ common sense.

“I’m leaving the kitchen for five minutes.” Tony says, firmly. “And when I come back, you two better be fully clothed, that sandwich better be eaten, and this counter is going to be spotless or so fucking help me I’m getting Pepper.”

That scares them both into shape. He doesn't blame them. Pepper is fucking terrifying. 

“Fine.” Barnes grumbles. 

“Y-yeah, of course, s-sorry.” Steve looks like he’s gonna puke.

“Good.” Tony says. He turns around sharply on his heel and makes his way out the door.

By the time he comes back, exactly five minutes and two seconds later, they’re clothed, the sandwich is gone, and the counter looks how it should but for the fact that there are slight impressions of metal fingers on one side. 

Well. Good enough for him.

-

 

He’s not going to tell anyone; that would be shitty. Cap and Frosty haven’t come out to the team yet, and he knows better than anyone that it really sucks to have your relationship leaked. Doesn’t matter that you always use a condom and are a straight up freak about being careful- before you know it the tabloids are claiming to have found your eight lost illegitimate children and demanding justice. 

He’s also certain that after being caught twice ( _Twice! Fucking Twice! Who risks it a second time after being caught once!?_ ) it’s not going to happen again. He can go back to barging into any room he wants like he owns the place ( _Because he does own the place, damn it_.) and any time he sees Steve and Bucky he will get to look them in the eye and know he’s got something on them. 

So there. 

He enters Steve’s office and is surprised for a second to find Steve in there. He should have quit work an hour ago, but whatever. He came down here to get some files and it’ll be easier if Steve can get them for him.

“Cap. Good, now I don’t have to have Jarvis walk me through your nightmare of old-school filing.” He shakes his head. “What _do_ you organize them by; levels of importance to the good ‘ol U S of A?”

Steve flushes- a lot. Usually Tony’s jokes don’t do that and he’s kind of pleased. He makes a mental note to tease Steve about his dumb filing system more. 

“I’m looking for the Juniper project records, think you can get ‘em for me?”

“Uh.” Steve swallows. He points over at one of the filing cabinets lining the wall and says, “Um, th-third cabinet, second drawer down, all the way back.” 

Weird for him to not get it himself. He’s always complaining about Tony routing around in his shit, _waa, waa, I can get it for you myself Tony, don't touch my intricate old-man organized cabinets, blah-blah-blah_ , but Tony figures he must be busy, even if he doesn't really look it at the moment.

He walks over past Roger’s desk and pulls the cabinet open. “Seriously, though, who keeps all their files in paper anymore?” He grumbles, because he can. “It wouldn’t be hard to keep electronic copies.”

Steve doesn’t rise to the bait, which is odd. Tony gets his files and turns to Steve. 

Who is currently having his dick sucked by Bucky, who’s kneeling under the desk.

_ Well. Looks like he's busy after all. _

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Tony shouts. He gestures wildly at Barnes with his folders. “Three times?! Three times! Who gets caught by the same guy three times!? And an office blowjob!? You guys are so goddamn cliche this is just-“ 

Bucky pulls off of Steve with a loud obscene pop that will haunt Tony for the rest of his probably-short life since they're intent on giving him a goddamn heart attack. “Learn to knock, fucker.”

“You didn’t even stop when I was in the room!” He can’t believe it. Cannot fucking believe the gal of these two- does the super soldier serum amp up their sexual drive by ten? This is ridiculous. “There’s a lock on the door! It wouldn’t have been hard to just- to just lock the door. I mean, come _on_ , I should not have seen either of your dicks even once and yet-“

Steve pushes Bucky away and stuffs himself back into his pants. Awkwardly, he stands, looking properly mortified. “Tony, I’m so sorry-“

“A lock, Steve!” His final gesture sends papers flying out of the file and all over the floor. He stares for a second before saying, “I’m not getting on the floor to pick these up. As far as I’m concerned every fucking inch of this room has been contaminated by your freaky super-soldier sex.”

“Well,” Bucky crawls out from under the desk and, thankfully, begins to gather up the files for Tony. It’s an out-of-character move, but as far as Tony cares it’s the least he can do after all of… this. “You’re not wrong.”

Tony accepts the papers as they’re past to him one by one. Steve helps his dumb cyborg boyfriend gather things up and Tony pretends they don’t both still have erections. _This is unbelievable._

“Thank you.” He neatly bunches his papers all back tougher in the file and then gives them both his best business man look. It’s composed mostly of a half-frown and intentionally unexpressive eyebrows. “Next time I see you two, no one’s going to have their dick out. Nobody. I don’t care if it’s fucking- if there’s some villain who invents the dicks-out-gun and shoots all of us, if there is one dick out the next time we’re all in the same room I am going to _lose_ it.”

“Of course.” Steve stares at the ground, blushing as he mashes his hands together. “I’m so sorry, Tony. It won’t happen again.”

“Frosty.” He turns to Barnes. “Your turn.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow. “I’m not making any promises-“

“Your word, Barnes or I swear. I swear to, to, to... Pepper. I swear to Pepper I will replace your beautifully crafted arm with a goddamn dollar-fifty-cent dildo while you’re asleep.”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “Fine. Next time you see me n’ Stevie, no one’s dick’s gonna be out.” He crosses his arms. “Happy?”

“Yes. Thank you, very much.” He holds the file tightly, nods, and then turns to leave. He pauses at the door. “And for the love of god, if you go back to it-“ He turns around and Barnes is already on his fucking knees. He wishes he was surprised. This is a nightmare. “Go to your room! Jesus Christ! I will have Jarvis play 'My Heart Will Go On' on repeat any time you two are alone together- I’m not fucking kidding.”

They seem properly scared of that very real possibility and get their things together to go back upstairs. Tony doesn’t stand around and hold the door for them- he came to get the file for a reason, after all. 

On the elevator ride down he can’t help but just shake his head. He’s _got_ to vent about this to someone, and soon, or his head is going to explode. Besides, no one ever accused Tony of being a nice guy. 

… _ugh. Fucking, okay, one more chance, that’s all they fucking get._ One _more chance._

 

-

 

The next time he sees them they’re in the common area. Steve smiles up at Tony assuredly as he very, very slowly circles around the couch. Barnes glares at him, but that’s his usual expression. He braces himself for the full view of the hand-job he’s certain is happening on the couch.

No one’s dick is out.

He lets out a breath of relief. 

“Thank god.”

 

-

 

He catches them in the elevator a day later. With his mouth still full of Steve Rogers Barnes says, “You’re the one who gave me the idea.”

Tony reached inside and presses the button to close the elevator door. He makes sure to stare Barnes down unblinkingly until the doors slide shut.

 

-

 

The team is merrily gathered together in the common area arguing about what movie night should consist of. Natasha, Clint, and Pepper are arguing for bad spy movies. Bucky, Bruce, and Thor want the newest hit romance. Steve has declared himself as neutral to the whole thing and Tony is the tie breaker. 

Newest hit romance it is. 

“I’ll get the popcorn.” Steve says, casually, as he heads for the door to the adjacent kitchen. 

“I’ll help.” Says Barnes, very much _not_ casual, as he heads after his boyfriend. 

The room is plunged into silence. 

Tony opens his mouth to say, _okay I know the rest of you probably don’t know this but there is like a ninety precent chance that they’re aiming for a fucking quickie while we all wait out here._ Instead, he’s shocked into silence when Clint says, “Okay, I know the rest of you probably don’t know this, but… there is like a ninety precent chance that they’re aiming for a fucking quickie while we all wait out here.”

He blinks. 

Silence. 

“Oh my god.” Natasha breaths. “You know?”

Which prompts Bruce to say, “Wait, _three_ of us know?”

Pepper lets out a long sigh and presses her hands together. “I thought it was just me.” She breathes, sullenly. “I caught them once, but… I’m careful now and I’m certain that it’s not the only time it’s happened-“

“Thank fucking god, holy shit!” Clint looks ready to cry, laugh, or scream. “I was sure no one else new. Which means- have they- have they been caught by _all_ of us?!”

Thor smiles wide. “I hadn’t realized it was something to hide here on Earth, but yes, it seems they have been ‘caught’ by the lot of us. Am I correct in my assumption, friend Tony?”

“Yeah.” Tony blinks. “Yeah, you’re correct. You’re really, really correct. Like, three to five times correct. I didn’t really count.”

“Twice for me.” Nat groans. “James has an issue.”

“Who, Bucky?” Clint laughs. “I didn’t see Steve fucking protesting when he was shoving his dick-“

“We don’t need the imagery, Clint.” Pepper sighs. “We’ve all seen it ourselves, apparently.”

Bruce says, “I didn’t want to say anything if they hadn’t outed themselves to the rest of you. I was certain that it was just odd timing, but I’ve stumbled upon them before, too. Like Pepper, I was more careful after that, but I’m sure…” He shakes his head. 

“I’ve seen them the most!” Tony exclaims. He’s delighted- absolutely delighted- that this is happeneing. It’s Christmas come early. “Oh my god. Are we- are we gonna have a come to Jesus? Please tell me we’re having a come to Jesus. When they come back in here-“

“You bet your ass we’re having a come to Jesus.” Clint exclaims. 

“What is this coming to Jesus you speak of?” Thor’s head tilts to the side.

“We’re going to tell them to knock it the hell off.” Nat mutters. 

“Ah.” He nods, once. “I do not mean to be the messenger of bad news, my friends, but I doubt any coming to this Jesus will stop the two of them from partaking in sexual activity. Is that not how it works here on Earth? I thought it was to be expected-“

“It’s not something to be expected.” Pepper says. “It’s a very… private thing. They have a room for a reason.”

Tony can’t help but think that he and Pepper are both kind of hypocrites. They’ve had their fair share of elevator sex. But that’s neither here nor there, and they’d never been caught. Well, they had been once, but he’d been able to buy off the employee anyway, so what does it matter?

Thor’s brows draw together. “Ah. Thank you for telling me this, Pepper; I believe Jane and myself have been behaving rather out of line, then.”

Clint chokes on his Soda. 

Bruce sighs and shakes his head. 

It’s around then that Bucky and Steve come back into the room- baring popcorn, to everyone’s surprise. They pause in conversation, both looking very put together and very much like they haven’t had sex. It shouldn't be weird, but it is- and  _that_ is a problem.

“What?” Barnes says.

“We are having the coming to Jesus.” Thor says, firmly. 

They look lost for a total of two seconds before they both groan. 

“God, mom, it was just a phase.” Bucky moans, dramatically.

Steve looks like he could melt into the floor.

“I mean, have you seen Steve? Fucking sue me assholes.” Then he pauses. “Actually I don’t have any goddamn money or legal backup so fucking fight me instead. That includes you, Tasha; you’ll kill me before I hop off this dick.”

Steve loudly groans. “I’m going back to my room-“

“Oh no you’re not.” Tony says. “Remember the My Heart Will Go On threat, Cap.”

He stays. 

“Listen,” Barnes says, seriously. “We get it got a little out of hand-“ he glares when Clint snorts at his wording- “-But this was honestly all my fault and, well, idea, so I can safely say it’s not gonna be an issue anymore, okay? It was a good run.”

“Oh sure,” Tony starts to say, but then he stops. Because, well, he’d… done the exact same thing with Pepper, pretty much. There had been a small period of time were it was sex anywhere, everywhere- any time or place or day. And as he looks across the room he sees she’s thinking the same thing. Natasha and Barton look eerily similar. Thor- he doesn't even want to talk about Thor. 

Bruce is frowning at all of them. “You’re all unbelievable.” He sighs, shaking his head. 

“Hey,” Tony says, pointing. “You do weird shit when you’re in love.” And then pauses. Because, huh, he _kind of_ just did something sappy. He has to save himself. “And to be an avenger you’ve gotta be a kinky freak.” There. No one will know any better. He’s a perfect asshole.

Bruce raises a brow. “I’ll show myself the door,” he says, dryly.

“Bruce, baby, it’s too late for that. There- there’s no going back on our super secret boy band now.” He looks over at Nat and Pepper and reconsiders, saying, “Not so secret garage band.”

“Yeah, Banner.” Bucky teases. “You’re in too deep.”

Steve sighs. “Let’s just. Never speak of this again and watch our movie, yeah?"

The rest of the team seems onboard with that, and the popcorn appears to be perfect, so they watch. Thirty-nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds later they’re almost all groaning as the two main characters go at it in an elevator. Thor looks intrigued. 

“Animals.” Bruce sighs under his breath. “All of you.”

 

-

 

It has been two weeks since Tony has had to see any surprise penis. He almost misses it. The look on Steve’s face every time was almost worth it, after all- the boy scout had looked ready to miraculously implode every single time. 

Still, he can’t complain- besides the few incidents involving the invasion of New York the past couple of days (normal) and the espresso machine becoming self-aware (normal) and Pepper getting her hair cut (not normal but damn did it look fine)- life has been relatively calm. 

He takes the elevator up to Steve and Buck’s room to talk to them about the upcoming meeting with the rest of the team. He needs them with him on an issue, and knowing Steve, it’s gonna take a pre-meeting-ambush to sway him over to Tony’s side. 

He steps onto the flat and walks through the door.

“Fucking knock, Tony!” 

He’s hit in the face with Steve’s shirt. He doesn’t even feel scandalized anymore. “I’m keeping this.” He says, holding up the shirt. “It’s too small for you, anyway, Steve.” All Steve's shirts are too small for him. Not that. Not that Tony's complaining. 

Steve bows his head between Bucky’s legs and looks at the floor as if it can tell him what on earth he did to deserve this. 

“Get out!” Bucky yells. He throws a shoe next. 

“Fine, fine, I’m going,” He turns around- true to his word, he takes the shirt; he wonders how much something of Cap’s will go for on eBay. “It was wonderful to see you again, Sergeant Barnes!” 

“Do not talk to my dick, Stark.” 

Yep. Everything is normal. And he has to admit it; he kinda likes it this way.

-

Fin


End file.
